Tapping into our vulnerability at Heartbreak Hotel in England
Christine Fieldhouse talked to three guests on a Betrayal and Heartbreak Retreat in Norfolk, where they discovered their inner warrior, a new tribe and the strength to face a new path
The Betrayal and Heartbreak Retreat is for women who are suffering – or have suffered – from a broken heart, whether they’ve been betrayed, bereaved or abandoned. In the care of co-founders, psychologist Alice Haddon and coach Ruth Field, and their team, guests unpick their emotions, devise a new plan and harness their vulnerability.
To find out what the retreat was like, we spoke to three participants: Emma, a 57-year-old corporate security management consultant, from South Africa, who discovered her husband had been having a year-long affair after 22 years of marriage – the couple are now divorced; Sandy, a 61-year-old literary agent, from New York, who suffered financial betrayal and economic control in her 38-year marriage; and Pamela, a 42-year-old mother-of-two, who works in marketing and lives in North London, UK. In January 2021 Pamela discovered her fiancé – whom she’d known for 12 years - had been having an affair. The couple are still together. (All names have been changed to protect the interviewees’ identities). Read on for their stories...
“I soon found I’d been telling myself all sorts of stories – that I’d been a rubbish wife and I was ugly and fat, and that’s why my husband had the affair”
EMMA'S STORY: ‘As soon as I read about Heartbreak Hotel in a newspaper and saw how Alice was changing therapy by making it intensive across a weekend, I knew I had to go on the retreat. I’d been having weekly therapy but it wasn’t helping me. Blind-sided by my husband’s infidelity with a colleague and having had no suspicions at all, I felt as if a nuclear bomb had been dropped on me when I found out. I’d never been on retreat before. I’d never even been on a spa day, but I loved the concept and after a thorough 45-minute phone call with Alice, she thought I was suitable for the retreat.
I’m a strong woman but this betrayal had knocked everything out of me. A shell of a mess, I was the first of five women to arrive for the retreat and Ruth got me a cup of tea and sat me by a fire. As the other four women arrived, we bonded immediately. On hearing their heart-breaking stories, I realised they were going through the same emotions as me.
Before the retreat, we’d all written a letter about what had happened. As we read them out, revealing our pain, we were all tearful, yet we empathised with each other. Despite having just met, I told these women the most harrowing and personal things I’d ever said out loud. On the first night we talked about the men in our lives and the way they’d betrayed us, but after that, the focus was on us, our emotions and how we could take care of ourselves.
I soon found I’d been telling myself all sorts of stories – that I’d been a rubbish wife and I was ugly and fat, and that’s why my husband had the affair. But as the weekend went on, I realised his infidelity wasn’t about anything I had done and that I couldn’t change his decision and behaviour.
Over the weekend, I came to love the camaraderie, the log fires and confiding in my new friends. Parts of the retreat were painful – I really bore my soul. When I had EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), which is the only therapy that’s done privately, I discovered the bombshell of my husband’s affair had reignited the trauma of losing my mum in 2010. At the start of that session, I’d marked my pain about the loss at 10, but afterwards, it was around 4. I also discovered my attachment style. I am ambivalent and fiercely independent, and I don’t pander to the male ego, which I quite liked!
The retreat ends with another letter which we read out and it was clear from mine that my baggage had been laid to rest. I felt stronger and like a new woman and I ended my letter with - I am a warrior. My only regret is I didn’t do the retreat sooner!’
SANDY'S STORY: ‘I’ve been on lots of yoga retreats in the US but I’ve never done a retreat outside my own country until I went to Heartbreak Hotel. When a friend told me about Alice's retreats, I thought they would be for sexual betrayal. I’d been betrayed because my husband had been stealing money and lying about it to me since 2014. When I left him in 2019, I felt hurt and angry and I often sat at my desk sobbing.
I was scared before I got to the retreat. I’d stayed with a friend in London before I went to Norfolk, and she’d noticed that I was looking down the whole time. I arrived sad, staring at the ground. but it was a beautiful, cosy venue, where we each had our own bedroom and bathroom, and the food was divine. Everything was done for us – we were even given hot water bottles to comfort us. I wrote my letter about my situation on the flight over, but I wished afterwards I’d given more thought to the questions.
As we all opened up, I realised there are so many types of betrayal but even though we were all in different situations, we were going through similar emotions.
Thanks to Alice and her team, I stopped ruminating – going over what I did wrong in our relationship and asking myself why I did this and that. These thoughts had been playing on a loop in my head. We learnt to turn those thoughts off and stop talking about what shits our partners were. Instead, we focused on what we needed to do to take care of ourselves and to live the life that we deserve.
It was a real bonding experience. In the group therapy we talked about our memories, and, when we got upset, Alice would hug us and put a blanket around us. As we took it in turns to talk, we each saw ourselves in other people’s stories. The EMDR - a therapy for trauma - was quite an amazing experience.
In our downtime we went to the beach, but most of the time we just chatted and rested. By the time I left I was looking up and speaking with a strong voice once more. I returned to my friend in London and when she opened the door, she said: “What did they do?” She could see instantly that something had changed. I’d stopped wanting to kill my husband and a few weeks after I got home, I called him and told him I was done with being angry and screaming.
Since the retreat we’ve had a catch-up Zoom call with Alice and Ruth and now, six months on from the retreat, I’m 1000% a different person. All my friends have said it and my sister said she could even hear it in my voice. I’m taking good care of myself and am letting go of the anger I had towards my husband. Heartbreak Hotel transformed my life for the better – it was brilliant.’
PAMELA'S STORY: ‘Before I went to Heartbreak Hotel, I was broken, a shell of myself and I felt very lost. I felt as if my problems had taken over my thoughts and I couldn’t focus on anything. I didn’t know if I would stay with my partner or not.
I’d always been a trusting person but when I found a WhatsApp message from a woman on my fiance’s phone, I confronted him and he admitted he’d been having an affair for 18 months. It had started when I was pregnant with our second child, who’s now three. I’d had absolutely no idea. He stopped the affair immediately but I could hardly function. I guess I was in a state of shock. When he read about Heartbreak Hotel in a newspaper, he suggested I went. I’d never done a retreat before. I was having therapy five times a week back home - some was couples therapy and while parts of it worked, I couldn’t help feeling it wasn’t the right treatment for me.
To prepare for Heartbreak Hotel, I had to write a letter about what had happened which I found quite therapeutic. But when I read it out, on our first night, I sobbed so much, I had to stop and slow down. Looking back, I was like a different person. I was insecure. I couldn’t stop crying. Once we’d talked through our stories that night, we weren’t supposed to mention our partners again. I wondered how I’d go a whole weekend without talking about what he did to me, but in a way it felt right to have the focus back on me.
Alice and her team helped us focus on ourselves and we did inner child work where we wrote stories looking back on our childhood. I saw I lacked so much confidence and I couldn’t stand up for myself – I let people walk all over me. I felt guilty for putting myself first.
Having a therapist with you is intense but you have an entire 12 hours a day of expertise focused on you. The only time you get that attention is with a friend. For the first time I realised I wasn’t alone with my crazy thoughts – everyone else was having similar experiences. We just needed to heal.
In our time off we went to the beach, did some Pilates and we went for walks. I went for a run with Ruth – the countryside was gorgeous. We didn’t have the distraction of our phones and there was no alcohol – just healthy vegetarian food.
I walked away from that weekend feeling stronger and more confident than I’ve been in years. My partner said I’d gone back to being the person I used to be when we first got together. Although recovery isn’t linear, Heartbreak Hotel set me off down a path where I knew I was going to be okay.
I don’t know what the future is going to bring. I’m still with my fiancé. I feel I live day to day and sometimes it’s hard to see a future, but I know work that Alice and Ruth are doing is magical and I recommend the retreat 100 per cent.’